Sweet Sadness

Talking about Noelle's birth mom is nothing new for us. We pray for her nearly every night. I've told and retold the story of all that we know and guessed at what we don't.

Questions remain.

What did she look like? Why did she leave me? Will I ever see her again?

Wishing I had the answers I hug and pray and say,
"She must have been beautiful because you are."
"She must miss you every day, I would."
"We may never know who she is and it's okay to feel sad."

A few nights ago watching pairs figure skating. Noelle runs to me, jumps in my lap, hiding her sad face on my shoulder.

"Mommy, does my birth mom look like her? I miss her, I'm sad."

Tears flow, both mine and hers. I'm sad but intensely grateful. This from the little girl who screamed and raged her feelings just a few short years ago. Now using words to express the pain. Now telling me without prompting, freely sharing her heart. To be her forever mom, to watch her grow up is the greatest privilege. I wish I could share this joy with the mom who gave her life.

The Wonder and Beauty of Adoption

I just saw this picture on MeDenne's blog and I couldn't resist sharing it with you. One look captured my heart. I think about Noelle's birth mom often, she gave my precious little girl the gift of life. She tried to keep her for four days before she made the most agonizing decision imaginable. She must think of Noelle every day, I know I would. I wish I could tell her how beautiful her daughter is. So very funny, smart and talented as well. I wish she could see her one more time and know that the tiny baby that she wrapped in a clean, blue flowered blanket has a good life. Her daughter is loved and cherished in a forever family. I wish with all my heart that Noelle could some day meet the woman she prays for every night. To look into her birth mother's eyes and see herself reflected. I know that I would want that closure if it were me.

Dealing with Racism

My 5 year old daughter seemed a little down yesterday and when I asked what was bothering her she said, "Mom I think there are kids at school that don't like me because I'm Chinese". This is the first time she has ever expressed something like this so I asked if anyone had said something mean to her about being Chinese and she replied, "No, I just know".

After all the websites, blogs and books I have read about trans racial adoption, being a multi-racial family, and the racism that still exists today in America, I was still shocked by her comment. Everything I had read about how to talk to your child about this topic fled my mind and I struggled with what to say. I didn't want to mouth platitudes about being "color blind" or lie to her and say that no one would ever think such a thing about her. I ended up saying something along the lines of "That must make you feel sad when people don't like you because you look different than them. That's not okay for them to do that". But I know as time goes on that this will not be enough.

Since we brought N home we have worked very hard to celebrate our differences as well as our similarities as a family. We have tried to help our daughter to feel proud of who she is and where she came from. We have several children's books about adoption and Chinese stories and poems. She has many Asian dolls and she loves her "Dance and Learn Chinese with Mei Mei" DVD. But I still wonder if there is more I should be doing? In Boise there are more opportunities for Chinese dance and language classes but our resources are limited and the commute is an issue. I have begun to wonder if we made a mistake moving to rural Idaho? There are three other Chinese adoptees in N's school as well as a few children of Hispanic heritage, however, the vast majority of kids there are Caucasian. At times like these I feel my own "whiteness" very acutely and wonder whether I, as a member of the ethnic and racial majority in this country, can truly understand what my daughter may go through in her life being a member of a racial minority.

What are your thoughts dear readers? I know that some of my "regulars" here are adoptive parents and members of transracial families. Have you faced the issue of racism with your children? How did you deal with it? What steps have you taken to help your child to embrace their racial and ethnic heritage?

Thanks for your help.

Jen

Brighton's Village Fundraiser

I have the privilege of knowing an awesome christian woman, Kelly, through an adoption yahoo group. She and her husband are in the process of adopting their fourth child from China, Brighton. Brighton has Spina Bifida and is deaf. They have created a website to help raise money for her adoption. Right now if you donate to Brighton's Village you can be entered into a drawing for some beautiful Vera Bradley purses. It would be great if you could check out their site and pray for Brighton and her family to be united soon!

Thanks!

Jen

Finally Some Answers

I came home to this email from N's doctor tonight:

I finally have some news for you all: We may do some additional imaging but the rec's have been to address her aortic arch only for now, via an entry into the chest from the side, not using the cardiopulmonary bypass and not operating on the heart itself for now. This will mean a quicker recovery, and I hope, at least delay significantly if not fend off more work with the heart itself that, yes, she may well still need someday! This is what I had felt best, and after an VERY long time getting many opinions, we are finally all in agreement.

We can talk more about this if we meet for more imaging, or if we don't need to do that, as a separate meeting. I think Dr. S will do the case here in B. and that is what I want.

Thanks for your unbelievable patience!

And then a more detailed message later on:

We need to review, in the week or 2, the MRI images and decide if they are adequate. I actually feel they are and that we are ready to go. Dr. S will need to feel the same. We can do transesophageal echo during surgery when she is anesthetized to see the outflow portion of the left ventricle, where she had surgery before.

Your next meeting may just be a pre-op session with Dr. S ; otherwise we may work with the coordinator at hospital, who's getting a copy of this, to set up a date (usually a Tuesday) when this can be done. She should be in the hospital no more, and likely less time than before.
She's older now, and this will be harder for her to understand and forget-- but we can deal with that, to help her. She's got the right stuff!

I say again that her adoption by you all was frankly lifesaving, and in that bigger picture, the week of discomfort she has for this (and frankly, there may well be more surgery down the line!) is still so very, very worth it. I know you know all this, but I just felt like saying it again. Few cases have been so overall satisfying as hers. More details soon.

Joel and I feel that this is very good news considering that we were preparing for the possibility of open heart surgery again. As always we would greatly appreciate your prayers for our girl's health, both physical and emotional. She does struggle even with minor changes in her life so anything major like this causes some emotional and behavioral regression. With help from her therapist, patience and nurturing on our part and God's tender care, she makes it through!

Jen

Summer Vacation is Sadly at an End.

Big sigh.

My first day of school is today and I have mixed feelings. There is always the excitement of the first day of school... new school supplies, new clothes, fresh faced kids and the hope that some of my students did their speech homework over the summer (highly unlikely, I realize). I am a Speech-Language Pathologist, for those of you who don't know.

I do enjoy certain aspects of my job. I love helping kids reach their full academic and social potential through improving their communication skills. The kids make it all worth it. I do not like, however, the endless paperwork, meetings, and pressure to meet IEP deadlines. It stresses me out. I do not like leaving my own children during the week but I do what is necessary to help my family financially and I make the best of it in the meantime. Joel and I have worked out a great schedule this year. Our kids will only be in daycare one day per week and the rest of the time will either be with me or Joel.

My daughter also starts Kindergarten this week (cause for more mixed emotions). I am proud, sad, nervous, hopeful... it is hard to think of letting her go when I have only had her for three short years. It seems that just yesterday I saw her for the first time at the International Arrivals gate. My heart was pounding when Joel placed her in my arms for the first time. What an unforgettable moment to hold both of my much longed for children at the same time; one in my womb and one in my arms. I had better stop or I'm going to make myself cry.

I want so much for her to have a good school experience. I have done a great deal to prepare her for this day given her history of anxiety and attachment problems. She seems nervous but excited and I am praying for a smooth transition, that she will connect with her teacher and make new friends.

This is a big week for us all but God is our strength, joy and peace. I pray that I will remember this throughout the year especially at those times when I fear being swept away by the stress and pressure of it all.