Attitude Adjustment

I've been a little bit grumpy about farming this year.

More than a little.

May I whine for a moment?

I haven't felt like: getting dirty or sweaty; dealing with watery, sneezy allergies; trudging back up the field to retrieve the 100th thing my kids need or that I forgot.

I have wanted to do exactly as I please... read, write, watch movies, download itunes, in short, enjoy MY summer in MY way!

Hmmmm, where in all of this did I forget that life is not all about me?

I have a great husband who is working very hard and needs my help with our huge farm. Didn't we dream together of country life and sustainable living?

I have two awesome kids who just want to be WITH me, talk to me, "help" me all the time. Isn't this what I yearned for during those long years of infertility?

Yes, I worked hard during the school year. Yes, it was stressful. Yes, I need a break.

But most of all I need a break from me. Jesus poured all of himself out for me. Can I not do even half so much for those dearest to me? I am encouraged to serve, to love, to give. I need not grasp and hang on to my time so tightly. He will give me more than I need.

Spring "Break"

I'm trying desperately to think about green and growing things, life things, the precious gifts lovingly bestowed upon me. To be content and not despair of my ever expanding to do list...

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

Matthew 6:25-27 (NIV)

Right Brain or Left Brain, Which One Do You Prefer?

I have a mini-obsession with online quizzes, especially if they can tell me something about myself like personality traits and spiritual gifts. So here's another good one, a creativity test that helps you discover if you are more of a right brain or left brain thinker. I figured I was heavy on the left brain side but was pleasantly surprised that I have more right brain characteristics than I realized. It gives me hope that there is some measure of creativity in me after all!

Btw, I found the link to this quiz through my friend Tonni's blog. She has a really funny post on how random and right brained her children are. I could totally relate! My kids, especially Zach, are very creative and very messy!

I couldn't be more excited!

It's silly really, but I cannot wait to see New Moon with my best pal and her mom this Saturday! What a great way to reward myself after a really stressful and busy week at work!

What's even sillier is how many times I have now read the entire Twilight series. I think it's too embarrassing to admit! Then you will all know that I really don't have a life!

So, what are you looking forward to this week?

We've Been Overrun

I've had it!

Not one more living creature from the great outdoors is allowed in MY house!

I don't care if we live in the country now.

I don't care if our old partially remodeled home has more holes, nooks and crannies than I can find.

This is it.

All of you spiders, flies, moths, mosquitoes, frogs, and mice are put on notice effective immediately.

Stay out or else.

How's that for tough talk?

Life After the Flu

I'm alive and I feel human again!

Just thought I'd share a few tips for things to do when you're stuck in bed for 3 days straight:

-Read Eragon (great book!) if you're a geeky bookworm like me.
-Watch endless reruns on Hulu.com.
-Sleeeeeeeeeeep.
-Wish that the flu shot had been available BEFORE I got the flu.

Exciting huh?

Things to do after the flu:

-Clean the house like a crazy woman.
-Wish I could go back to bed and get away from the children.
-Buy a new couch! It's been 10 years and I'm more than happy to say buh bye hard, lumpy futon and helloooo soft, comfy new couch with lots of new pillows!

Can I still win mom of the year...

...if I forget to pick up my daughter at school?

Better luck next year, you think?

In my defense, I was really busy at work and distracted and forgetful and... yeah, those excuses didn't work on Noelle either as she stared at me reproachfully and said, "Mom, you forgot me didn't you?".

On a more positive note, after a tearful farewell this morning Noelle did end up having a good full day of 1st grade. Her favorite part? Lunch. Her least favorite? Not getting to play at recess yet. That's my girl!

Absolutely Uninspired

Yup, that's me.

I truly can't think of anything worth talking about on this blog these days. I'm spending most of my free time lately playing around on facebook or reading Twilight. There's not much else going on except for the post-Spring Break let down and the end of the school year paperwork crunch!

Maybe I'll feel more like writing this summer.

I guess I could update Noelle's status. It looks like we are going to have to go out of town for her heart surgery and it will likely occur this summer. Soooo, we have the seemingly impossible task right now of choosing a hospital. I for one cannot decide so we are going to see her cardiologist again in May and see if he can shed some light. We are considering OHSU in Portland (they are already familiar with her case there and we have family support), Seattle Children's (again we have family there and we have heard people say great things about them) or Stanford (our pediatrician prefers them but we have no family support there).

So maybe I should ask you out in blogland. What would you do? How do you possibly choose? I have looked at their websites but everyone looks good online. I am not a decisive person by nature so this feels nearly impossible for me.

Help?

Knitting is Therapy

Knitting is effective and very cheap therapy!

It is hard to describe how much knitting has helped me navigate the murky midwinter blues this year. Even Joel has noticed a difference. He told me the other night how mellow and relaxed I have been since I started knitting. I tend toward anxiety and thinking about the "worst case scenario" and anything that can lift my mind out of that funk is very, very good!

I have felt such tremendous satisfaction from making something useful with my own two hands. My daughter thinks my creations are "fabulous" and she is in awe of my knitting. I have also experienced the joy of making things that I can give away to others. It feels so good to not have to go out and buy a present but make something instead.

Knitting also provides good praying/thinking/meditation time. Lately I have been mulling over a lot of "new to me" ideas about what it means to follow Jesus. I have been reading "The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an Ordinary Radical" which has given me much food for thought.



It deserves a separate blog post, I can't do it justice here. I will say that if you read this book you will be challenged to love and connect with other human beings like never before.

Anyway, friends, knitting ROCKS! Try it, you’ll like it!

Jen

New Addiction

I have discovered facebook. You may never see me again.
Ha ha, I'm kidding of course... well, I hope.

I've Been Tagged!

Sarah at Strandfam tagged me! Here goes...

1. I have short, stubby thumbs. What does this mean for me? I find it difficult to shuffle cards, play video games and I will never win a thumb war.

2. I cannot whistle. Hard as I try, it is just not going to happen for me. My husband is convinced that I should be able to whistle since I am a speech therapist. Hmmm, does this call my professional competence into question? Good thing I don't need to teach kids how to whistle!

3. I am a mirror talker like Amber. I have practice conversations in the mirror that I never have with anyone in real life because I'm too chicken.

4. I must straighten the covers on my bed before I can get in and go to sleep. They have to be perfectly even. Unless I'm too tired to care and then I don't even bother.

5. I can't count the number of times I have seen The Sound of Music. I love that movie and I can sing a rousing rendition of "My Favorite Things" (very loud and I suspect off-key on the chorus).

**Okay, now I have to come up with two new ones since the last 5 were copied from my last tag post (with a few minor revisions)!

I just realized that the last time I was tagged it was by a Sarah! You crazy girls!

6. I am a food separatist. I have rules. Certain foods cannot touch other foods on my plate but other foods can. Don't ask me to explain it, I just know.

7. I like the smell of books. As a kid I would open my new text books and smell them first. Is that as creepy as the kid in class who eats paste? There was always one of those kids.

So the big question is, am I quirky or just weird? Quirky sounds cuter. Please say quirky.

Here are all the lucky folks that I'm going to tag next...

Jaime

Tonni

Nikki

Suzi

MeDenne

Missy

Kristen

An Ordinary Life

"We do not need the grace of God to withstand crises—human nature and pride are sufficient for us to face the stress and strain magnificently. But it does require the supernatural grace of God to live twenty-four hours of every day as a saint, going through drudgery, and living an ordinary, unnoticed, and ignored existence as a disciple of Jesus. It is ingrained in us that we have to do exceptional things for God—but we do not. We have to be exceptional in the ordinary things of life, and holy on the ordinary streets, among ordinary people—" (Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest).

I came across this quote on Walk Slowly Live Wildly tonight and it really spoke to me. Many times I internally bemoan the fact that God made me so terribly ordinary. Why wasn't I given a special talent of some kind? Why do I feel so invisible most of the time? What a blessed reminder that God does not need me to be an Uber-saint. He just wants me to live the life that he has so lovingly bestowed upon me. To show others the extraordinary God I serve and not get in the way.

Life Half-Lived

A few months ago I read a post by Big Mama about letting go of the fear in her life and truly giving it to God. I wrote this poem in response:

The Fear of Letting Go

The fear of letting go grips my heart.

I long to run, I yearn to fly, I need to create.

My heart turns cold.

I fear being nothing.

I fear losing everything.

I don't want to waste my life.

I'm tired of trying to please everyone.

I'm tired of falling short.

I'm falling apart at the seams.

I long to feel the warmth of the sun.

To stand on a hill with the wind in my face.

Holding nothing back.

I am released from this half-life of fear.

I will let myself be shattered.

Free me and make me whole again.

3/1/08

I am generally a very private person but in my quest to become more of the person God made me to be, I have chosen to process my thoughts and feelings out loud. Perhaps to give myself some sort of accountability or just to be more open and known to others? Maybe some of these ramblings will help someone else? Maybe this is some form of therapy for me? Whatever it is, bear with me!

I have been told before that I am too serious and that I think about things too much but as I expressed in my poem, I'm so tired of trying to please others and not be myself. I don't want to worry about being too much for some and not being enough for others. I am who I am and it's time for me to accept this and stop hiding the real me. I grew up hiding my true thoughts and feelings and I have found that the habit has stuck. It's time for me to realize that God loves me and accepts me "just as I am" as the old hymn goes. That is enough for me. I don't have to hide anymore.

The song Unbreakable by Fireflight perfectly expresses what I am trying to say, "God I want to dream again, take me where I've never been. I want to go there, this time I'm not scared!".

Jen

New Reads

I've made some great new discoveries in the blogosphere this weekend!

My favorite is 4 Reluctant Entertainers, a blog written to help those who break into a cold sweat at the mere thought of having people over for dinner, a.k.a., ME. My entertaining fears do not discriminate either, I'll have you know! It doesn't matter if I have known you for 10 years or 10 minutes, I FEAR entertaining! I fear cooking lousy food, I fear you finding the 1/2" layer of dust on the one piece of furniture I forgot to wipe down, I fear that you will find me BORING and that I will not be able to think of anything to say to you! It's ugly but true and I hate being this way! Cause guess what? When I'm so busy being afraid of opening my home, my life, and myself to others I leave no room in my heart to love others and make an impact on their lives. Then I sit here and wonder why I do not have intimate, lasting relationships with friends or family? Why am I so lonely? Hmmm...could it be...me??? Gasp! Surely not!

The Reluctant Entertainers blog is one the many ways that God has recently been speaking to me about being open to new relationships and looking for ways to bless others instead of keeping my heart locked up in this dungeon of fear. He has also been teaching me that when I am feeling lonely and when I feel like no one "gets me" that I should turn to Him instead of wallowing in self pity. He is the friend that sticks closer than a brother. He is the one who made me and therefore knows me intimately. He IS love when I need love. I have found immense comfort in this revelation. It's kinda like Sally Field's acceptance speech at the Oscars years ago, "You like me! You really, really like me!".

Anyway.... back to the ranch.

Here are some other great blogs and websites that I have been enjoying:

Stop the Ride--"Living a simple and frugal life in a world that isn't".

Growing Power-- This guy is my new hero! He has this incredible farm in the middle of Milwaukee on a 2 acre lot. His mission is "supporting people from diverse backgrounds, and the environments in which they live, by helping to provide equal access to healthy, high-quality, safe and affordable food for people in all communities".

Enjoy!

Jen

Spiritual Gifts Inventory

Here I go again trying to figure myself out. It seems to be one of my favorite pastimes! I stumbled across an interesting spiritual gifts survey that really nailed it for me. A few months ago I took a similar survey on another site and ended up feeling useless and discouraged. It made me feel that if I wasn't a "teacher" or "evangelist" type of person then I didn't amount to much in the church body. I feel that way often enough on my own, I didn't need someone else telling me that too! I often struggle with feeling connected in the church, knowing where I fit, knowing what in the heck am I good for anyway? I'm sure this is partially due to self-esteem issues from my past but I think it is also due to not having an obviously useful gift. Everyone recognizes those who have great pearls of wisdom to bestow on all they meet or those who are super-organized and practical, and those with a passion to teach and share the gospel. I am not a great giver of advice, I fear public speaking and confrontation, I don't teach well, and I worry too much about offending others and what people think of me.
Instead of causing me to beat myself up further about all the things I am not good at, this survey actually caused me to recognize and value the characteristics I do have. No small feat, I assure you...
I particularly like the parts that explain what pitfalls to watch out for and the practical ways in which I could use my gift.

The results:

The results of your Spiritual Gifts Inventory indicate that your number one dominant gift is MERCY SHOWING! The Greek word "ellco" means to feel sympathy with or for others. As a mercy-shower you have the Spirit-given capacity and desire to serve God by identifying with and comforting those who are in distress. You understand and comfort your fellow Christian. You enter into the grief or happiness of others and have the ability to show empathy which is to feel WITH others, not just for others.
As a mercy-shower you are willing to deal with and minister to people who have needs that most people feel very uncomfortable working with. You seem to say the right thing at the right time. Your personality is likely one of soft-spoken love. It hurts you to scold someone; you are very non-condemning. People love you because of all the love you give them. You find it easy to express yourself and are outgoing with a low-key, inoffensive personality. You are easy to talk to, responsive to people, a good listener, peaceable, and agreeable. You tend to make decisions based on feelings more than fact and like to think about things for a while before making a decision.
In your burden to comfort others, your heart goes out to the poor, the aged, the ill, the underprivileged, and so on. You tend to attract people who are hurting or rejoicing because you identify with them. Be careful not to let others use you. Try not to resent others who are not as understanding as you. Refrain from becoming a gossiper when you are around other mercy-showers. Do not let your circumstances control you. Because of your supernatural ability to show mercy, others accuse you of taking up for people, being a softy and a compromiser. They may think you are too emotional.
Mercy-showers make excellent counselors. However, left untrained, you may destroy yourself by your tendency to take people's problems home with you. Your empathy can become detrimental without personal training on how to deal with it.
Beware of Satan's attack on your gift. He can cause pride because of your ability to relate to others. He may influence you to disregard rules and authority. You may experience a lack of discipline because of strong feeling for those who hurt due to disobedience and sin. Don't fall into Satan's trap of complaining and griping.

HOW CAN YOU USE YOUR GIFT? Your gift is used best in times of sorrow and in times of great joy. It fits well with another gift of service such as deacon, youth worker or hospital visitation. With a counseling course, you could become a good counselor. You may serve as a hospital, nursing home, or shut-in worker; a funeral coordinator and provider of sympathy and support; or a poverty center worker. You would do well as an usher or greeter and welcome center worker or hospitality person. You may want to work in a telephone ministry. You would make people feel welcome on a newcomer visitation team. Other appropriate ministry areas include missions, committee member, furlough assistance, and correspondence helper. You would work well with the elderly and with people who have mental and physical disabilities, in nursing, and with special ministries to migrants, released offenders or abused children and women.

Random Tired Thoughts Borne of Too Little Sleep and Too Much to Do

When I was a little girl I loved unicorns, faeries, and Princess Leia. I loved to draw fluffy cloud creatures, sing at the top of my lungs and hang upside down on the monkey bars.

What happened to me?

I'm now dependable and solid and responsible. At work I'm organized, energetic and busy.

These are not bad things.

I just miss the girl who used to sing along to the Sound of Music Soundtrack "I flit, I float, I fleetly flee, I fly..." or sing Kermit the Frog's "Rainbow Connection".

This is all sounding hopelessly sappy and saccharine but I don't care. It's my blog and I can be a dork if I want to (remember the 60's song, "It's my party and I can cry if I want to"? It's like that).

So my point? Don't really know except that I wish I were more fun, more creative, more everything... I'm in a tired, work induced funk. Gotta go get me some more contentment and joy from Jesus. Acceptance for who I am and what I'm doing.

Jen

Miscellany

I realize there are some loose ends I need to tie up.

Joel is healing well from his jaw surgery. He has been off pain meds for four days, hooray! The hardest part is certainly the lack of communication. Joel is a talker and it is weird for me to be doing most of the talking lately. Our best bet for clear communication is instant messaging eachother on our laptops (at times like these I love technology). Joel's gestures seem to be incomprehensible to me and writing notes is just too slow!

He has an appointment with his doctor today and we are hoping the bands will come off and he will be able to open his mouth, talk and eat something.

We still have no word on N's possible heart surgery. It is obviously not an emergency and I am putting it out of my mind for the time being. I am just getting on with life and as the saying goes, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Lastly, you may remember this post when I shared my hopes for this summer. Just because I'm sure you are dying to know, no, I never made cheese. Maybe I will tackle that project over Christmas break, or maybe next summer, or... sometime in the distant future. I did make some other stuff though, homemade pizza, strawberry shortcake, hummus, and salsa verde. I am reaching dizzying heights of domesticity.

I did not finish my daughter's scrapbook nor did I start my son's. But, this very weekend I finished 6 more pages in N's book. There's nothing like procrastination is there? The weird thing is that I really like scrap booking but I could never seem to make it a priority this summer.

More stuff on the summer list: swimming lessons, yes, check; losing weight, sadly, no; exercising more, sporadically; increased shopping locally and secondhand, yes; rekindling my relationship with Jesus, a work in progress but definitely getting there. I'm so glad he loves me and is waiting for me no matter how far I drift from him.

So that's it, all the random stuff rolling around in my head. I feel better now that it is out.

Jen

Green Beauty Products

I have recently discovered an affordable organic makeup line, Physician's Formula Organic Wear makeup. I have seen it at Target and Fred Meyer. The coverage is good and it doesn't feel heavy which is essential for my many skin issues.

Prior to this I used makeup and beauty products from the Body Shop mistakenly thinking that they are a natural and healthy alternative. The packaging sure looks trustworthy and they say great things about themselves but when I looked up their products in the Skin Deep Database I found that MANY of them contain harmful chemicals. Especially their body butters, which is such a bummer because I looooove them and they smell so delicious. But I can no longer support that corporation ;0) (I know they are missing me).

I sometimes feel like I have bought every cosmetic known to womankind with the same disappointing results...Mary Kay, Arbonne, Cover Girl, Maybelline... the list goes on. I'm hopeful that Physician's Formula will be one I can stick with.

Let's not forget about all the lotions and potions I have tried over the years. A few weeks ago I purchased Aubrey Organics cleanser, toner, and moisturizer (very affordable online). I liked the cleanser and toner but alas, the moisturizer makes my face itch, especially around my nose and mouth. It is a bit puzzling because it contains very natural ingredients but the fragrance is quite strong and I'm wondering if it contains some essential oil or herb that I'm allergic to. So back to the drawing board. Right now I'm trying a sample size of Welleda Almond Moisturizer and liking it so far (also at Target). We shall see.

I realize this may not be the most exciting subject for some, but for a person like me who has spent way too much money and time on the beauty biz it seems a worthy topic. I want to find products that not only embody my environmental ideals but are friendly to my sensitive skin as well.

In my quest for skin health & the ever elusive appearance of beauty I have even been considering the "no poo" (short for shampoo, in case I just scared you) method of caring for my hair and scalp and the "oil cleansing" method of homemade skin care. Definitely friendlier to the budget as baking soda, apple cider vinegar, olive oil and Castor oil are not very expensive.

Have I gone off the deep end? Perhaps. But sometimes you get desperate when your skin problems make you feel like one big ball of sensitive, red, blotchy, itchy, half dry/half oily flesh. Gross. I have been on prescription creams and lotions for years too that just barely control the problem and never get to the root issue, whatever that may be. My frustration has reached critical mass. I do have an appointment with a dermatologist in a few weeks so we'll see if she has any tricks up her sleeve that my family doctor does not.

Bored yet? Grossed out?

Me too.

The End.

p.s., Here's a new blog I like about this stuff at Almost Natural Beauty.

The End (for real).

I Like Psychobabble...

...and I really like to take personality tests. I took this one after I saw it on Daiquiri's blog and I think it's quite accurate:

I'm always game for learning more about why I am the way I am and why I do or do not feel comfortable with other people. If you like this stuff too I highly recommend this book:

I first read The Color Code after borrowing it from a coworker and then I bought it for myself because I liked it so much. The best thing about it was torturing my poor husband by making him take the test too. It not only explains your own personality type but also what types of people get along well together (and those who don't). I was pleased to find out that Joel and I are a perfect match (I kind of had a hunch that we were ;0)). On the off chance that you are curious I'll reveal my color code...drum roll... Blue (introverted, intensely loyal, needs to be needed, reliable) and Joel is Yellow (fun loving, creative, disorganized, social). We are a good match because he needs my stability and I need to be needed; he makes me laugh and I keep his feet on the ground. He pushes me out of my shell, encourages me to be myself and won't let me quit when I really, really want to. I will love him and be loyal to him till my dying day. We're definitely not perfect and sometimes we drive each other CRAZY but I believe very strongly that God knew what he was doing when he led us to each other. We are "old building and loan pals" (think Jimmy Stewart in It's a Wonderful Life-one of the best movies ever), we're a team.

Leave a comment and tell me about yourself. Pretty please?

Where Do I Start?

Well, we moved exactly 2 weeks ago and frankly it's all a bit blurry. There has been a whirlwind of activity between moving to the new house, cleaning the old one, being sick, having stress at work, and dealing with nightly tantrums from both of my children who are trying to adjust to this whole mess. I can only account for my continued sanity by quoting the bible,

"I lift up my eyes to the hills--

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

the maker of heaven and earth."

Psalm 121:1-2

This was the view from my hammock on Mother's Day. I took a brief time out to relax and enjoy the beauty of our new home.

I really do like it here.